True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
