I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
