it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
