look no pants
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
