yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Just invented taco cereal.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I'm too high and old for this...
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