Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
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