i wish there were pregnant emoticons
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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