I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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