Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
