Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
