You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
