I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
