mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
