my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
