can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
