Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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