i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
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