Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
