I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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