i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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