This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
We left the knife in your bed.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
