there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
