I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Are my feet made of real feet?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
