Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
