Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
