Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
