corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
This beer is not sobering me up at all
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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