Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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