if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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