Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
