I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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