I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
farters have to be the big spoon...
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
