You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Randomize
