At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I forgot wine drunk hurts
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
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