Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Randomize
