Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
