I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
