A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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