I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
