I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
