He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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