Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
