the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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