so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
