So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
