fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
