dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
