Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
