I think i sorta joined a cult last night
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
