So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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