I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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