I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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